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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284572">If I could tell her (how she's everything to me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysnerd/pseuds/gaysnerd'>gaysnerd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>emergency beaujester week [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Beau is Drunk, Beau needs to process what she just admitted, F/F, emergency beaujester week, mentions of drinking, post talk with nott ep 85, talking with the bartender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:34:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284572</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysnerd/pseuds/gaysnerd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 3| Beacon<br/>Beau just told Nott about her feelings for jester. Stuck in a rut, she strikes up a conversation with the bartender and hears some things that Beau so desperately needs to hear.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>emergency beaujester week [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749760</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Emergency Beaujester Week</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If I could tell her (how she's everything to me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title from If I could tell her -Dear Evan Hansen</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sending Nott to bed after their secret swapping in the Evening Nip, Beau stays upstairs for one final drink. After the conversation they had just had, she really felt like she needed another one. </p><p>Beau didn’t expect herself to tell Nott.  No, the fact she has a crush on Jester, okay well maybe more than a crush, that was supposed to stay a secret. If Beau had her way, she would have taken it to the grave. She went into the coin flip half expecting to tell Nott some random made up lie. Loun knows Nott would have believed it. But when Nott said something truthful for once, something convinced Beau to do the same. </p><p>“I fucked up” muttered Beau, clutching her drink tightly. She was already drunker than she wanted to be, and the pain in her chest after the conversation was just the cherry on top of it all. </p><p>The dwarf at the bar looked up “Need something there, lassie?” </p><p>“I’m in love with my best friend.” mumbled Beau. What was his name again? If she was going to have a long conversation with a bartender about feelings, Beau thinks she ought to know his name.  Beau slowly raised her head from its slumped position over her drink and stared at his grizzled beard for a long moment, attempting to think. Calvin? Klein? Clive? That last one made rang a bell. Or maybe that was just her head pounding from the liquor. She wasn’t quite sure. </p><p>“That sounds like an issue drinking won’t solve." </p><p>Beau slams her hand down on the table. The impact makes her ears ring and her hand sting. “But I want it to solve it” </p><p>Clive looks at her inquisitively. “Tell me about her, Bartenders job to listen, not just pour.” He grabs a mug and starts to clean it, staring at Beau. </p><p>“No.” She locks eyes with Clive for a long moment. He squints his eyes at her and cocks his head, gesturing Beau to keep talking.  Beau narrows her eyes towards him, in a challenge that was quickly abandoned. “Okay fine.” </p><p>Beau sits up a little and takes a long swig of the drink. This shit sucks, she thinks. The drink sucks, the way a stranger is going to make her spill her feelings sucks, and the pounding in her head sucks.  She should have just gone to bed when Nott did. </p><p>“I don’t” she pauses, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Eyes still closed and with a pained expression, she restarts. “Obviously she’s my best friend, right? Sweet blue Tiefling, named Jester. If you’ve met her you would never forget her.” Beau loves that about her. Once you meet the one and only Jester Lavorre, you’ll think to yourself that you don’t have to meet anyone else, and you’ll be content. Beau’s convinced that everyone who has met Jester has fallen at least a little bit in love with her. Or a lot (as in Beau’s case). </p><p>She continues, “Jester’s just, there is so much chaos in that body. And it’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>“She seems like a fun girl.” Responds Clive, grabbing another dish to wipe. Beau already forgot she was talking to him. </p><p>“She’s the best. Funniest person I’ve ever met. And damn she can draw. I’ve taken peeks in her sketchbook, because she leaves it out sometimes, and she’s so talented I’ve never seen anything like it, like, just, wow.” </p><p>Beau takes another drink. </p><p>“She smells like lavender too. I can smell it when she hugs me. Don’t know how she does it, travelling and all, but she does and its wonderful, Clive. She’s wonderful.”<br/>
Clive refills her drink as she’s talking. Beau can feel herself smiling. The pain in her chest is still there, but just the thought of Jester has lessened it. </p><p>“Sounds like you love her alright. I don’t know much about love, but I do know what it sounds like when someone’s in it.” Says Clive. </p><p>Beau’s expression darkens. She knows what he’s going to say next and attempts to say something before he asks, but she didn’t quite process that thought fast enough. </p><p>“Why haven’t you told her yet?” </p><p>Beau puts her face in her palms. “It’s not that simple”</p><p>“It really is, though” chuckles Clive. </p><p>“No, it’s REALLY not!” Beau slams both hands into the bar this time, regretting the action immediately. “It’s just, different. When the object of your affections is your best friend. What you don’t understand, Clive,” Beau growls his name, the heat in her cheeks rising. “Is that I can’t tell her because I will lose her. And I. Can’t. Lose. Her.”</p><p>Clive raises his eyebrows at that statement. “You know this for fact because?”</p><p>Beau looked at him dumbfounded. Gruff as he was, Beau had to give him props that he was good with people and knew his way around a conversation. Must come with the Job, even though his bar was technically just a front. </p><p>“I just do, okay. I’d tell her how I feel, and it will scare her off. She doesn’t know how love works, and how I feel for her definitely isn’t what’s shown in her stupid books.” Clive gives a confused expression, and Beau clarifies.</p><p>“She likes the porn books, you know, Tusk Love?” Clive nods in understanding. </p><p>“I’m familiar” </p><p>“Well that’s the only place she’s ever learned about love and I can’t give her that, so I know she won’t want me. I just know. Okay?” Beau says, voice rising.<br/>
Clive takes a step back, putting his hands up. “Beau, you know she cares about you. I doubt that would scare her off. I think if she really doesn’t feel the same way, she would still understand why you feel like that.” </p><p>Beaus throat closes up and the pain, deep in her chest, intensifies. Tears welling up in her eyes, she manages chokes out “I can’t risk it, Clive. I just can’t. I love her too much, it would hurt even more than it does right now to lose her.”</p><p>Clive leans against the back of the bar. “I understand, but I don’t agree. But what am I to say? I’m not you, I don’t know what’s best for you. But I do know this, and I want you to listen closely.” </p><p>Beau looks up from her misery. Her shoulders were slumped forward. If there was ever a moment Beau felt defeated, it was now. </p><p>“If you don’t say anything, you are going to spend the rest of your life in misery wishing for what might have been. Have pity for yourself. I promise you will heal from the pain it causes. You humans are resilient folk.” Beau nods, face slack. He continues “Even if it’s the last thing you do, I want you to tell her. It’s the least you can do for yourself. You may not get the love story, but you’ll get the closure. It’s still good, and you still deserve good things in life regardless of what you’ve done. But hell, you’re sitting in the Evening Nip I reckon you’ve done some pretty bad things.” </p><p>Beau softly smiles. “Thanks, uh, Clive. I needed to hear that.”</p><p>“It is getting late; you should get some sleep. Have a good night now Beau.” With that, Clive turns and walks towards the other end of the bar to start closing. Beau looks around and realizes she’s the last patron sitting in the tavern.  </p><p>All the blood rushes towards Beaus head as she stands up, and she slowly wobbles down the steps to the Gentleman’s lair. As she passes the door to the Gentleman’s quarters, she can hear Jester and the Gentleman talking in hushed voices. She hopes its going well and thinks she’s probably going to hear about it in the morning.<br/>
Creeping into the room where the Mighty Nien are sleeping, Beau finds an empty spot near the window to put out her bed roll and attempt to sleep. Unfortunately for her, the world is spinning too quickly for sleep to find her, so she distracts herself by thinking about what’s to come. As much as she tries to keep her thoughts away from a certain blue Tiefling, Jester invades her thoughts.</p><p>It always comes back to Jester, Beau thought. Every single thing good about her life at the moment was in somehow Jesters fault. Jester was the reason she joined the Mighty Nien in the first place. She helped her and Fjord fight a giant snake outside of Trostenwald, and the little blue Tiefling was the one to her if she would like to travel with them. The reason she is alive, as much as she sometimes doesn’t want to be, is because of Jester. Without Jester, Beau would be wandering around Exandria, a monk of the Cobalt Soul lacking any purpose in her life. </p><p>After about 15 minutes, she hears the door creek open, and hears Jester sneak in as not to wake anyone. Jester tiptoes across the room and lays open her roll next to Beau. Beau pretends she’s asleep. With a sigh, Jester lays down and turns to her side, facing Beau.</p><p>Beau can smell the lavender, and smiles. She scoots closer to Jester and can feel Jester’s tail start to wrap around her ankle as she pulls beau in the remaining distance. </p><p>Jester is the greatest thing to happen in my life, Beau thinks. And how screwed she was, for beau could feel herself falling yet still.</p><p>How bright Jester shines, and how she pulls Beau in. </p><p>And Beau thought herself as Jesters beacon. If anything, Jester was hers.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi thanks so much for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Come hang out with me on my socials! Ill start posting snippets of my work, as well as take prompts on my tumblr!<br/>tumblr: @barikiwi<br/>twitter: @gayysnerd<br/>if any of u wanna scream about gay things i am ur gal</p></blockquote></div></div>
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